Depression: A Peek In My Window

I had no idea at the time that I was suffering from depression or what it even was. I lost my father at the age of 6 and my life was changed forever. I remember wanting to be like other kids with a mother and father in the home with me. As I was getting older I longed to have a father in my life. I missed it so badly that at times my body was in physical pain. Do you know what it’s like to want something so bad that it hurts? Really all I wanted was for someone or something to fill this void in my heart.

All in middle school and high school I had episodes where all I wanted was to be alone. These episodes would happen from time to time but I just thought I was going through some type of change. There were times when I was happy well at least what appeared to be me being happy. Writing was my way of coping with life. I use to lose myself in my short stories. Then I began to journal as a way to deal with the thoughts in my head. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotions and no one was there to save me. I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on inside of me because I was afraid that people would think I was crazy. Rage at some point had taken over a big chunk of my life and I didn’t even know that it was happening.

After I gave birth to my son and he died I went into another state of depression. I was angry at God and the world. How could He take my son? Was I such a horrible person that my son had to be punished? I didn’t want to live anymore. I slept all of time and I was barely eating. Not taking a thought to the fact that I had a living child that I needed to care for. This was the first time that I sought help for what was killing me on the inside. Now begins my journey to recovery so I thought. Did I know it would be a 20+ yrs. road to recovery? Of course I had no idea!

There was a point in my life in 2007 when depression took me on the path to suicidal thoughts. I truly wanted to just die. I was feeling worthless and wondering what my purpose in this life was. I struggled as a single parent and at times things were overwhelming for me. I had a lot of past trauma that I was still trying to overcome. I recall one day when I had planned out how I would end my life. I knew that my grandmother and my mother would take care of my children, so I wasn’t worried about them. There was one person who always knew when I was fighting that demon called depression, my sister-in-law. I remember she confronted me about how I was acting and of course I denied where I was emotionally. She forced me to go to the doctor to get help and I did. The turning point was her showing me how I would destroy my girls if I did not get help.

If you have a love one suffering from depression please do not look the other way or act as if it’s not a problem. Some people don’t even know they are suffering from depression this is why it is important to know the signs. If you feel a love one may be dealing with depression talk with them it just may save their life.

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