I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking up our driveway, it was in the evening time somewhat dark outside. As, I was walking I saw this man he came from the side of the house. He got close to me told me he had been watching me and I didn’t even know it. Before I knew it he grabbed me covered my mouth and dragged me back to this shed we had. I tried my best to fight him off. He told me, if I scream he would kill me. I was in the fifth grade so of course I was scared and believed him. After it was over I had to get myself together, walk into my house as though nothing happened. I never said anything about the incident for along time, when I finally did it was too late. Meaning no one believed me.
This damaged me beyond what felt like could be repaired. I really didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me. My life from there just become a roller-coaster ride. It changed me in more ways than one, but most importantly it shaped me in a bad way . I became depressed wanting to kill myself, even tried to on more than one occasion. This made me angry causing me to deal by holding everything inside.
I am now about to be 32 years old and this still hurts me to this day. I found it difficult to trust at one point in my life I even turned to women. I didn’t trust men when I would meet them I would sleep with them, because I was scared to say NO. Because saying No meant the possibility of them just taking it from me. I still don’t allow people to get close to me because of the fear of getting hurt. I have even damaged some relationships which I’m not proud of because of the hurt that I was feeling . I’m very guarded causing me to build this wall which has an affect on my relationships today. I was told that I have BPD which is a mental illness .
However, I believe God and as I go through this process called Life this is one of the things that God has to heal me from. As a child I never dealt with this I just tried to covered it up in the hopes of blocking it out. Listen that never works!! One thing that I have learned is that you can’t fix won’t you won’t face.
This story was shared by someone who wanted to remain anonymous. I would like to take the time to thank them for allowing me to share their story with others.
As a young girl I hated my life to the point I wanted a new family. The misery I felt I knew this was not what everybody else felt within their family. All my friends had moms who were involved in their life 24/7 in a positive way. My mom was phenomenal as far as I wanted to believe, but she was an alcoholic who at times made everyone feel the raft when sobriety kicked in. The way my mom yelled and cursed at my siblings and I 16 years of my life played a huge role in how I almost 10 years later parent my daughter. She’s the apple of my eye, and even though my mom has been deceased for nearly a decade her ways are not what I want to utilize when it comes to disciplining my child. When my mom was angry she made sure we knew and felt every ounce of anger she had. This in return made me angry as a child. Which prompted no result other than me being angry while she was angry and led to me becoming rebellious and abused both mentally, physically, and emotionally. Now, as an adult, I promised myself, my spouse, and more importantly my daughter to never become my mom, as a mom. So far so good, but there are days I catch myself being my mom and I have to remind myself that yelling at my daughter when she does things I don’t like will force her to believe it’s OK to be angry when someone does something she don’t like.. like my mother.. My mom lacked patience, and at almost 26, so do I. Working with being patient with my daughter when she act out has showed me she responds better when I inform her on ways to deal with things. This process is long and hard but I know the generational curse will soon be diminished. Hurt people, hurt people and I refuse to allow pain to dictate how much joy and happiness I can obtain in my life.. Because I am a better person from my childhood situation I have hopes that I’ll become a better mom. My life shaped my vision on what I want my daughter to endure because I wasn’t given the opportunity of positivity in my life, so I vowed to be the positivity I yearned for as a kid… but for my child..
Thank You Amina Kali Okafor for sharing this with us.
First let me define domestic violence as violent or aggressive behavior within the home typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. In the wake of the murder of the young lady and her 3 children in my surrounding area I felt the need to write on this subject. As I have read many comments on Facebook some heart touching while others were heart breaking.
Many times people respond in a negative way because this is a life that they have never lived. Even when you are a witness to it you still may never understand how hard it is to leave. I read comments saying “why didn’t she just leave?” I have seen comments that said, “I would never allow a person to abuse me.” You get the picture of where I am going with this. There are many factors to these types of relationships. Many of you may not understand it but please stop making victims feel stupid when they are already being demeaned on a daily basis. Control is the key to domestic violence. Usually a person has already lost control of their lives long before the physical abuse even starts.
Fear-an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. (Verb) be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. With that being said fear is the main reason many stay. People may think it’s because they are so in love…No that is not it. Fear of being homeless, losing your children or your life and not feeling worthy to be loved. This is a hard spot to be in and when people make you feel stupid for being there it’s even harder to leave. Think of it this way when you make that person feel demeaned you are no better than the abuser…yeah I said it! Because I’m sure that many of you never saw it that way. The verbal and emotional abuse from their spouse has already beat them down so why would you want to beat them down any more?
Take the time to educate yourself on this issue. Make an effort to volunteer at your local shelter or at an event that supports domestic violence awareness. And if you know a person is living this life please just make yourself aware of information that you can pass on to them in order to help. Find out what you can do to help by calling your local shelter or the National Hotline. Here is the number to The National Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) OR 1-800-787-3224(TTY).
What is anger? Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance displeasure or hostility. It is also a problem that has no limits on who it latches onto. It doesn’t care about age, race, social status or educational background. When you allow anger to fester inside it can become a factor in destroying marriages, the breakdown of families and the weakening of communities. You must identify the root of your anger. Usually the anger stems from past hurts and guilt. Anger comes in when new offenses remind us of past offenses. We have to remove the thinking process that because it was in the past you should be over it. There has to be forgiveness in order to let go of anger. If not anger will continue to consume you every time your tension points are triggered.
Factors that can contribute to Anger:
- False Accusations
- Abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional and mental)
Because the pain of certain offenses we establish attitudes and actions that lead to guilt and anger.
- Expectations of others
- Generalizations of a group due to one person
- Taking up offenses on behalf of others
It is time to rip the mask off and acknowledge that you are angry and what you’re angry about. You cannot continue to live in past reliving the offenses that happened back then. As long as you live there you will continue to be angry and never learn to forgive. Don’t you want your power back? It is time to be free from the bondage of anger. Are you willing to work towards your freedom? If you are continue to join us on Facebook www.facebook.com/luv2beu.
I was a good woman to you. I loved you and gave you in and everything you ever asked for or needed. I was there by your side when others turned their back on you. I stayed with you when others thought I should just walk away. You were my heart my soul-mate so I thought. When we were apart all I looked forward to was seeing your face. Waking up to you meant the world to me. And closing my eyes next to you gave me comfort as I slept. In all of that time I never thought we would end up like this.
Never did I deserve what you’re giving me now. Why would you put your hands on me? What did I do to you for you to think this was OK? Was I not good enough for you? I thought I was a good woman to you. Was I not pretty enough for you? Did I gain to much weight? Why are you yelling at me? I cleaned the house like you like. I want to go over to my friends house but you won’t let me. Why would you call me a slut and a whore? I’m no good…is that what you think of me? After all I have done for you. Please don’t make me sleep with you, but I’m not in the mood tonight! I know that you love me. So why do you hit me? I’m not a punching bag. I’m a person with real feelings. And your action are stripping me of who I am. I feel ashamed as if I asked for this. God why is this happening to me? I cry myself to sleep at night trying to figure out where things went wrong.
These are the words of victim of abuse. Who fell in love with a man who she thought was her soulmate. He showed her so much love in the beginning. The kind of love that she thought she was missing in her life. At first she brushed the red flags off because all she wanted was to be loved. Maybe he will change if I just stick by his side. There are so many different reasons women stay that others will never understand unless they have lived this horrid life.
But at some point you have to be willing to let go and reclaim your life. I know that letting go isn’t easy but feeling safe should be. And if your living in fear then your not living. Loving a person and being loved shouldn’t cause you mental or physical damage. Yes it will come with some ups and downs. But it should never cause you your life.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Love is Respect – the National Dating Abuse Helpline
Text “loveis” to 22522
For rape/sexual assault services, contact
RAINN—the Rape Abuse Incest National Network
Have we as women become so desperate for companionship that we settle for being someone else dirty little secret?? Or are we okay with settling for someone who is abusive either verbally or physically…maybe both? So what is causing us to lower who we are just to have a man in our lives? Is it loneliness, low self-esteem or are we looking for a void to be filled? And when do we realize that we are worth so much more then this crap that we settle for. Is giving your body away worth losing your soul to an illusion of what you call a relationship? These are things that I was thinking about as I sit here looking out my window. When I think about where I was and where God has brought me to my heart aches for women. Will some of you ever see your true worth?
Let me start with the dirty little secret. Why would we want to settle for that? And do you even realize that this is what you are? Sometimes as women we are so blinded by what we think is love that we fail to realize that all we are is a secret. God wants you to be a great thing that a man finds. If a man is constantly choosing another woman over you then he doesn’t really want you. Now he wants everything you’re giving him. Which is all of you without any commitment. Does a man truly love you when you give all of you and you can’t even meet his family? The answer is no what you are is a secret and that is likely all you will ever be. Then tossed to the side like trash when he’s done. Ladies please wake up and evaluate the situation that you are in.
Now let’s venture into the world of abuse and why we stay. In physical abuse I know a lot of women stay out of fear. Fear that they may be killed if they try to leave or fear that they can’t make it on their own. Maybe the man is the bread winner and there are children involved. Leaving the abuser is very hard to do. Some people think it is such an easy thing to do but it’s not. So please stop judging these women until you have walked in their shoes. What I will say is this when you see the signs early on run and don’t look back. You can’t change him to be the man that you want him to be. Only he has the capability to change by his will to want to change. But you can change your circumstances by realizing that you are worth more than being down graded.
So the bottom line is when you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see a woman who is worth more than rubies? The Bible said, “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” Proverbs 31:10. God saw us as something valuable so why can’t see ourselves the same way? Maybe we need to try and see ourselves as God sees us then maybe we will have more respect for self. Learn to love you before you try to love another. When you can love self you find that your standards will begin to change. I will end with a suggestion which is study Proverbs 31.