Where do I begin? Well let me start by saying this little guy means the world to our family. He brings so much joy to us. In that I have to share that it has been a long hard road for us. As I think back to where we all started on this journey and look at where we are now I know it was nothing but God. So now I am going to share with you this journey of living with a child diagnosed with Autism.
Let me introduce you to Jahmez! Do you see that beautiful smile? This smile just feels my heart with so much love every time I see it. But what I need you to understand is that this was not always the case. Looking back at where he started I didn’t think we would see the day that he would be so joyous. I can recall a time when this little guy would not give us eye contact. It was almost like he would become anxious if you tried to look at him. I often wondered how life would be for him. Like God will this precious little guy ever be able to express love to any of us. Will he ever be able to allow us to show him love. Hugging was a no no for him. But I always would want to just pick him up and hug and kiss on him. I knew that would send him into a frenzy but he was just so cute! But I think one of the hardest things in the world was him being non-verbal. Having a child not be able to tell you when they’re not feeling well or that they’re hungry is hard. Just thinking of the everyday things that he may need but can’t express to you that he wants. Now as hard as it was for us can you imagine what it’s like for him or others like him? I can’t even begin to internalize what it would be like for me not to be able to express how I’m feeling.
Now let me jump over to the here and now. I am so excited about the progress that Jahmez has made over the years. The little boy who was once non-verbal is now putting words together. To hear him speak to me is a blessing. When ever I hear his voice I just smile. Watching him walk to the cabinet or refrigerator and telling us what he wants is amazing. But one of the best things is telling him that I love him and Jahmez grabbing my face, pulling it to him so that I can kiss his check. That is his I Love You to me. This was something that I once could not do. He is so full of affection until you just want to love on him all of the time.
My family is so thankful to all of the teacher’s that work with him. Teacher’s have the job of pouring into our children daily which I’m sure is hard. But as I think of teacher’s who have the pleasure of working with special needs children I realize they have to have a special heart. This experience has given me the chance to look at teacher’s in a different light and with much more appreciation than I ever had before.
I wrote this to say that if we as a family would have just gone with Jahmez is on the autism spectrum and just went with that would he be where he is now? I watched my mother fight for this little boy because she had so much hope for him. I have seen him grow in ways we never thought possible. Many times we have a diagnosis but does that mean that diagnosis is the end game? It is possible for life to be different from what you saw in the beginning. Don’t just take the diagnosis and give up. Fight to see your children progress in ways you never imagined. Even the small changes that I see in him make me excited because I know that God is an AWESOME GOD!!
Do you see that little girl looking out the window at the world? What is she thinking as she stares at the trees moving in the wind? Why is her eyes full of water? Is she okay or is she dying on the inside? From the outside shes looks to be about 8 or 9. But in truth she is a grown woman full of pain and anger. Shes looking out trying to figure out where things went so wrong in her life. How so many could claim to love her but continue to hurt her so. Was there something wrong with her? Absolutely not but that was a thought that haunted her all of the time. See we can look in at the life of others and think that life is great. But we really don’t know what is going on in the mind and heart of another. So we need to stop being so consumed with things that really shouldn’t matter and start opening our eyes to whats right in front of us. So many people are suffering from depression and thinking of taking their own lives. So when you see that fake smile on a persons face ask God to show the hurt hidden in their heart. What a difference you could make in the life of another if we could stop being so selfish with our time.
Yes, I understand that we all go through something but what I have learned is that when I’m going through there is another who is suffering worse than me. Everything that we endure in life is for the benefit of another. When will we stop being ashamed to tell our story raw and uncut? Granted there are some things that you may not want to share and I believe you should be guided on what to share. As for me I was purposed to share my story and not the story of another. A story that tried to break my very spirit but God would not allow my spirit to die! He has given me strength in my weakest moments. He has loved me when I couldn’t stomach loving myself. He has guided me when I lost direction. He has protected me when I placed myself in danger. See one thing we must understand that God is almighty but the choices that we make will have a negative or positive outcome. Then there will be things that happen to us that we have no control over those things you have to turn around in order to free someone else from the prison they live in. I have never claimed to know it all and there are things that I am still walking through but I do know that God didn’t spare my life for me to waste it feeling sorry for my suffering!! What will you do with your suffering?? Will you let it imprison you or will you set yourself free?
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking up our driveway, it was in the evening time somewhat dark outside. As, I was walking I saw this man he came from the side of the house. He got close to me told me he had been watching me and I didn’t even know it. Before I knew it he grabbed me covered my mouth and dragged me back to this shed we had. I tried my best to fight him off. He told me, if I scream he would kill me. I was in the fifth grade so of course I was scared and believed him. After it was over I had to get myself together, walk into my house as though nothing happened. I never said anything about the incident for along time, when I finally did it was too late. Meaning no one believed me.
This damaged me beyond what felt like could be repaired. I really didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me. My life from there just become a roller-coaster ride. It changed me in more ways than one, but most importantly it shaped me in a bad way . I became depressed wanting to kill myself, even tried to on more than one occasion. This made me angry causing me to deal by holding everything inside.
I am now about to be 32 years old and this still hurts me to this day. I found it difficult to trust at one point in my life I even turned to women. I didn’t trust men when I would meet them I would sleep with them, because I was scared to say NO. Because saying No meant the possibility of them just taking it from me. I still don’t allow people to get close to me because of the fear of getting hurt. I have even damaged some relationships which I’m not proud of because of the hurt that I was feeling . I’m very guarded causing me to build this wall which has an affect on my relationships today. I was told that I have BPD which is a mental illness .
However, I believe God and as I go through this process called Life this is one of the things that God has to heal me from. As a child I never dealt with this I just tried to covered it up in the hopes of blocking it out. Listen that never works!! One thing that I have learned is that you can’t fix won’t you won’t face.
This story was shared by someone who wanted to remain anonymous. I would like to take the time to thank them for allowing me to share their story with others.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT !!!! Tonika Marie Breeden & I have been working to create a course to help you receive CLOSURE on That Relationship!!
Beginning October 10/4/16.
The Break Up 2 Break THRU Masterclass !! You will learn how:
• Gracefully disconnect from relationships that create internal anxiety and chaos – DRAMA!
• Receive healing, clarity and closure for yourself (you don’t need the other person to give you closure)
• Get back on track with purpose and destiny
• Positioning, Preparation & Wisdom on how to love again
Click link to register – http://ow.ly/eviY304mRod . Seating is limited. Only serious like-minded women who are ready to move forward without emotional chaos and drama wanted!
Why is there so much competition among women in the Body of Christ? This is a question that crosses my mind often. It is also something that I don’t understand. Are we not here to change the lives of the unbeliever? Well how can that ever happen when they are witness to so much discord in the Body? Is this a competition of who can be seen or is it about the winning of souls? Are we not suppose to lift one another up? Now is the time to check yourself and truly know what your motives are for doing what you do!
Is it important for you to be seen? When we are truly doing Kingdom work it should’t matter if you are ever seen. That should not be the motive for doing the work that you do. If you have truly been called to do a work the thing that should be on your mind is how is this pleasing to God. Seeking Him and the direction that He would have you go in should be first on your mind not how many people can see you doing the work. It sickens my heart to see such foolishness in the body. Then we wonder why unbelievers have such a hard time trusting us at our word. When they live in discord in the world why come to the Body of Christ to live in more discord and hurt. It is time to make a change because whatever it is that you do to help build the Kingdom is not about you!!! Did you get that?? Let me repeat it then IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! What I have learned that all of the suffering was not about me but about how I could help another overcome that pain.
I don’t know why she is trying to be like me! This statement makes my stomach turn. Get over yourself because sometimes it’s not that another is trying to be like you they just may admire you. Maybe they see themselves doing the type of work that you do and just want to learn. But in learning you must find your own identity. It is very important to know who you are before trying to step out to help another find who they are. I was at a workshop and the speaker said some things that rang out loud and clear to me. One of those things were ” BE YOU” because no one can be you like you. Own who you are ” I AM CHRISTINA SAUNDERS”. The last thing I want to say is that we all can be doing the same thing but do it being YOU. This is not a competition what it should be about is how many lives can you help change by showing the CHRIST that you serve!!!!
I wrote a blog once about my up and down battle with depression and I was real, honest and raw about it all. See when you are sharing your story be real with others about what you have been through. Your realness will open a gate for others to be real with themselves about where they are. Some of you may not be comfortable with sharing your story and that’s okay. But I am in a place of comfort and I share what God leads me to share. I have heard some say you tell to much of your business. Well because of it I have had others reach out to me and want to know how God brought me out. That alone is enough for me to continue to share and be real about my life. Will there be people that will try to hold my past against me? Absolutely, and I am truly okay with that. The reason I am okay with that is because they can’t share anything about me that I haven’t already shared with the world.
My honesty about me has given me the opportunity to help others. When I log into Facebook and have messages from people who want to talk to me I know that I’m doing what God purposed me to do. I feel like when God has delivered us from something don’t act as if that thing never happened. Don’t walk around like life has always been perfect and you have never had any wrong in your past. Please people take the mask off and let others know that if God delivered you He will do the same for them. Your story could mean life or death for someone else. There is a person out there just waiting for you to be transparent with them about your testimony. So am I willing to take the backlash from the “Holy High Rollers” yes I am if it will help one person.
I realized some time ago that God did not call me to be confined to the 4 walls of the church. I knew that I was going to be to raw for some people. Some may say you keep it to real but I say I’m just being transparent. The things that have happened in my life is the reality for many right now so why not talk about it? Just think about it this way if someone had been transparent with you what difference would that have made in your life? And don’t be so quick to look at another and think that they are beneath you because of where they are right now. They are still human and we are to love them as Christ loves us. Watch your words to them and how you react to them. Just because they are not where you are doesn’t mean that you get to treat them with disrespect. If you only knew how many times I have heard ” I have been mistreated by those in the church” and that hurts me to my heart. When a person is sick, in an accident or dying they go to the hospital for help to get better. Well when people are hurt, broken, depressed, addicted and lost they should be able to come to the church for healing not for “church hurt”.
So I will leave you with this your transparency will help another come out of where they are!
According to the Webster’s Standard Dictionary the meaning of insecure is uncertain; lacking stability. We have all had an encounter with insecurity whether it was someone we know or ourselves. Many people put on the mask of security but all along they are truly insecure. Wearing that mask can be a full time job. Why work that hard when there is a solution to every problem.
Last week I wrote about rejection but I want you to see how rejection can cause insecurity. My father died when I was only six and that one event changed my life. In my mind as a child I thought that God took him because I wasn’t good enough to have the love of a father. And that made me feel rejected which caused me to want to please others. Children may perceive things differently from what they really are. But that feeling of rejection caused a deep rooted seed of insecurity, feeling like I was never good enough. It wasn’t until I started to deal with the root of rejection that I realized just how insecure I really was.
A lot of people base security on materialistic things. She/he must be secure because they live in a mansion or drive an expensive car. It doesn’t matter if you’re making a million dollars or wearing designer clothes that does not make you secure. Take a true and honest look at where you are and what has caused you to be insecure. We don’t have to be ashamed about where we are. Just know that God can help us through anything.
Understand this others my reject us but be secure in the fact that the Lord will not. Psalm 27:10, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” Join us at www.facebook.com/luv2beu as we discuss insecurity this week.
Do you really now who you are? Well I thought I knew who I was or should I say who people made me out to be. I was always looked upon as a lot of different things, all but a child of God! Then I began to see myself as others saw me. But when God looked at me He saw something so different. He saw a treasure! And now that I have Christ in my life I see that same treasure. Maybe not as clearly as God does but I now know it’s there. See people will always see what they want to see when they look @ you. But I had to stop worrying about others and say what does God see? And He does not see what others see. Letting Christ in was the best thing I could have ever done. He had a lot of things to heal inside of me. The things I had allowed to enter in from outside and some inside sources. There were words of death that were spoken over my life. And now I speak life over me and my family. God has started to opened doors for me that many will wonder how that happened. Well God did it! And I’m thankful. Never allow the enemy to have free reign over your life! You have the power and authority to speak blessings into your life. We have to stop giving the enemy so much power! I am everything that God says I am! And I stand on the promises of God. You do not have to listen to what others think of you. When people say you are not worthy and you are no good know that you are so much more! Look to God to confirm who you are and what your purpose in life is.
One day as I was strolling through instagram I see a photo that reads ” Your God-fearing Facebook updates do not cause me to forget the godless whore you were in high school!”
The minute that I read that statement I thought to myself God why can’t people leave the past where it is in the past? Then the laughter came because I thought well this is how some people view me. Oh how grateful I am that God doesn’t view me like people view me.
Then the Lord begin to show me that most people that continue to live in your past are there because they are stuck in their own past. Still holding on to grudges for things that happened to them 10 to 20 years ago. Still angry and bitter and can’t forgive those that hurt them. Then my laughter turned to sadness for those people. It truly has to be a miserable life when you can’t let go of the past. Well I know first hand how miserable that can be. I allowed what others said about me to keep me stuck looking at my past until one day God gave me a glimpse of my future. And oh what a future it is! One that will Glorify Him until the day I leave this earth. Understand this what God has purposed you for your past WILL NOT keep you from it unless you allow it to!!!! Don’t allow what people think of you to keep you from what God has called you to do. See those people have to seek God to heal those broken places so they no longer continue to be a vessel for the enemy! Keep your eye on what God has purposed you for.
I leave you with this…” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)