He Is Not His Diagnosis!

Where do I begin? Well let me start by saying this little guy means the world to our family. He brings so much joy to us. In that I have to share that it has been a long hard road for us. As I think back to where we all started on this journey and look at where we are now I know it was nothing but God. So now I am going to share with you this journey of living with a child diagnosed with Autism.

Let me introduce you to Jahmez! Do you see that beautiful smile? This smile just feels my heart with so much love every time I see it. But what I need you to understand is that this was not always the case. Looking back at where he started I didn’t think we would see the day that he woulJahmezd be so joyous. I can recall a time when this little guy would not give us eye contact. It was almost like he would become anxious if you tried to look at him. I often wondered how life would be for him. Like God will this precious little guy ever be able to express love to any of us. Will he ever be able to allow us to show him love. Hugging was a no no for him. But I always would want to just pick him up and hug and kiss on him. I knew that would send him into a frenzy but he was just so cute! But I think one of the hardest things in the world was him being non-verbal. Having a child not be able to tell you when they’re not feeling well or that they’re hungry is hard. Just thinking of the everyday things that he may need but can’t express to you that he wants. Now as hard as it was for us can you imagine what it’s like for him or others like him? I can’t even begin to internalize what it would be like for me not to be able to express how I’m feeling.

Now let me jump over to the here and now. I am so excited about the progress that Jahmez has made over the years. The little boy who was once non-verbal is now putting words together. To hear him speak to me is a blessing. When ever I hear his voice I just smile. Watching him walk to the cabinet or refrigerator and telling us what he wants is amazing. But one of the best things is telling him that I love him and Jahmez grabbing my face, pulling it to him so that I can kiss his check. That is his I Love You to me. This was something that I once could not do. He is so full of affection until you just want to love on him all of the time.

My family is so thankful to all of the teacher’s that work with him. Teacher’s have the job of pouring into our children daily which I’m sure is hard. But as I think of teacher’s who have the pleasure of working with special needs children I realize they have to have a special heart. This experience has given me the chance to look at teacher’s in a different light and with much more appreciation than I ever had before.

I wrote this to say that if we as a family would have just gone with Jahmez is on the autism spectrum and just went with that would he be where he is now? I watched my mother fight for this little boy because she had so much hope for him. I have seen him grow in ways we never thought possible. Many times we have a diagnosis but does that mean that diagnosis is the end game? It is possible for life to be different from what you saw in the beginning. Don’t just take the diagnosis and give up. Fight to see your children progress in ways you never imagined. Even the small changes that I see in him make me excited because I know that God is an AWESOME GOD!!

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I’m Not My Mother!

As a young girl I hated my life to the point I wanted a new family. The misery I felt I knew this was not what everybody else felt within their family. All my friends had moms who were involved in their life 24/7 in a positive way. My mom was phenomenal as far as I wanted to believe, but she was an alcoholic who at times made everyone feel the raft when sobriety kicked in. The way my mom yelled and cursed at my siblings and I 16 years of my life played a huge role in how I almost 10 years later parent my daughter. She’s the apple of my eye, and even though my mom has been deceased for nearly a decade her ways are not what I want to utilize when it comes to disciplining my child. When my mom was angry she made sure we knew and felt every ounce of anger she had. This in return made me angry as a child. Which prompted no result other than me being angry while she was angry and led to me becoming rebellious and abused both mentally, physically, and emotionally. Now, as an adult, I promised myself, my spouse, and more importantly my daughter to never become my mom, as a mom. So far so good, but there are days I catch myself being my mom and I have to remind myself that yelling at my daughter when she does things I don’t like will force her to believe it’s OK to be angry when someone does something she don’t like.. like my mother.. My mom lacked patience, and at almost 26, so do I. Working with being patient with my daughter when she act out has showed me she responds better when I inform her on ways to deal with things. This process is long and hard but I know the generational curse will soon be diminished. Hurt people, hurt people and I refuse to allow pain to dictate how much joy and happiness I can obtain in my life.. Because I am a better person from my childhood situation I have hopes that I’ll become a better mom. My life shaped my vision on what I want my daughter to endure because I wasn’t given the opportunity of positivity in my life, so I vowed to be the positivity I yearned for as a kid… but for my child..

Thank You Amina Kali Okafor for sharing this with us.

The BreakUp 2 BreakThru

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT !!!! Tonika Marie Breedenbu2bt-flyer-1 & I have been working to create a course to help you receive CLOSURE on That Relationship!!
Beginning October 10/4/16.
The Break Up 2 Break THRU Masterclass !! You will learn how:
• Gracefully disconnect from relationships that create internal anxiety and chaos – DRAMA!
• Receive healing, clarity and closure for yourself (you don’t need the other person to give you closure)
• Get back on track with purpose and destiny
• Positioning, Preparation & Wisdom on how to love again
Click link to register – http://ow.ly/eviY304mRod . Seating is limited. Only serious like-minded women who are ready to move forward without emotional chaos and drama wanted!

The Insecure Woman

This morning I was watching I Love Lucy as I do every morning. Today was just a little different. I have watched this show for many years and the revelation I received this morning I never noticed before. Many times we watch shows and laugh at the shenanigans that go on never really seeing the true message. Well, today I received it loud and clear.

Insecurehow-can-i-stop-being-insecure-in-my-relationship-418-zmZjfXeW3ZOdzJdrV4Y!Lucy is always coming up with some type of scheme on the show. And usually they never work out the way she intends for them to. But what I noticed today was how every time Ricky has to do a show with another woman she goes overboard. Now on the show Ricky has never done anything to make her think he is cheating yet she always goes bananas when another woman comes around. The question that I asked myself was “Is this her being insecure about herself or is it something Ricky did?” Then I began to think about other episodes that I watched where she was always trying to change the way she looked because she didn’t feel like she lived up to a certain image. Or every time a woman from Ricky’s country came around she would compare herself to them. 

Now let me jump over into the real world. How many times have you accused a man of something based off of what another man did to you? The reason it is so easy for us to do this because we have not dealt with how that betrayal made us feel. Now we are insecure thinking that there was something wrong with us that made him betray our trust. You find yourself comparing the way you look to the other woman/women. Or every time a woman is around your mate you find yourself giving him the side eye because you think he’s looking at her. Let me say this women if you have not dealt with your past hurt and healed from it stay single until you do. Truth be told that if you get a good man you wouldn’t be able to tell because your insecurities will drive him away. Then you will be with your girlfriends talking about how you knew he was sorry and all the while you are the problem. Now is the time to take a minute to examine where you are with yourself. Take responsibility and let us stop blaming every man because we are insecure. There are still good men out here in this world and if you don’t be honest about your insecurities you may just pass him right on by or should I say run him away!!!

A Look at Domestic Violence

First let me define domestic violence as violent or aggressive behavior within the home typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. In the wake of the murder of the young lady and her 3 children in my surrounding area I felt the need to write on this subject. As I have read many comments on Facebook some heart touching while others were heart breaking.Stop the violence

Many times people respond in a negative way because this is a life that they have never lived. Even when you are a witness to it you still may never understand how hard it is to leave. I read comments saying “why didn’t she just leave?” I have seen comments that said, “I would never allow a person to abuse me.” You get the picture of where I am going with this. There are many factors to these types of relationships. Many of you may not understand it but please stop making victims feel stupid when they are already being demeaned on a daily basis. Control is the key to domestic violence. Usually a person has already lost control of their lives long before the physical abuse even starts.

Domestic ViolenceFear-an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. (Verb) be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. With that being said fear is the main reason many stay. People may think it’s because they are so in love…No that is not it. Fear of being homeless, losing your children or your life and not feeling worthy to be loved. This is a hard spot to be in and when people make you feel stupid for being there it’s even harder to leave. Think of it this way when you make that person feel demeaned you are no better than the abuser…yeah I said it! Because I’m sure that many of you never saw it that way. The verbal and emotional abuse from their spouse has already beat them down so why would you want to beat them down any more? 

Take the time to educate yourself on this issue. Make an effort to volunteer at your local shelter or at an event that supports domestic violence awareness. And if you know a person is living this life please just make yourself aware of information that you can pass on to them in order to help. Find out what you can do to help by calling your local shelter or the National Hotline. Here is the number to The National Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) OR 1-800-787-3224(TTY). 

Relationships Private vs Secret

I often sit and listen to others talk about their relationships and wonder do they really hear what they are saying. Most of the time I don’t say anything because I love observing others. And I do understand people wanting to keep their relationship private in hopes to getting to know each other without the input of outside forces. Many times we allow the opinion of others to cloud our judgement when it comes to relationships. Or we have people volunteering information that you didn’t even ask for. So therefore you don’t want to share the fact that you are dating with the people that you love. Keeping things private for a while is not a bad thing. Now on the other hand keeping it a secret is something totally different. So let me jump right in.

Private  means affecting or involving only a particular person or group of people. See most of the time when people decide to keep things private only maybe a best friend knows about the relationship. They make a decision not to involve everyone in the family on their new adventure. Maybe they realize that having everyone involved can cause things to go south before they even start. This comes with knowing the people in your life. We all know that when you first start dating sometimes people want to give you the run down on that person. What they have heard from others and maybe a rundown of that person’s past. They do this without ever giving you a chance to see if this is someone you even really want to entertain. So being private is not a bad thing.

Secret means not known or seen or meant to be known or seen by others. The moment you become the person that is only seen late at night and no one knows that you are even in the picture there is a problem. When someone is begging you to be quiet about the fact that you’re involved that is a red flag. Why do you have to be a secret?? That’s the question you should be asking. This person denies you anytime someone asks if the two of you are involved. There are usually only 2 reasons someone would keep you secret they have a mate already or they are ashamed. Never allow anyone to treat like you’re not worthy of being loved.

Don’t ever be confused about what is private and what is secret. Because nothing good ever comes out of a secret. If you allow yourself to remain a secret prepare yourself for hurt to follow. No man or woman that truly cares for you would want to keep you a dirty little secret. Know that you are worth more that being a secret.  

What Are You Truly Worth???

Have we as women become so desperate for companionship that we settle for being someone else dirty little secret?? Or are we okay with settling for someone who is abusive either verbally or physically…maybe both? So what is causing us to lower who we are just to have a man in our lives? Is it loneliness, low self-esteem or are we looking for a void to be filled? And when do we realize that we are worth so much more then this crap that we settle for. Is giving your body away worth losing your soul to an illusion of what you call a relationship? These are things that I was thinking about as I sit here looking out my window. When I think about where I was and where God has brought me to my heart aches for women. Will some of you ever see your true worth?  


Let me start with the dirty little secret. Why would we want to settle for that? And do you even realize that this is what you are? Sometimes as women we are so blinded by what we think is love that we fail to realize that all we are is a secret. God wants you to be a great thing that a man finds. If a man is constantly choosing another woman over you then he doesn’t really want you. Now he wants everything you’re giving him. Which is all of you without any commitment. Does a man truly love you when you give all of you and you can’t even meet his family? The answer is no what you are is a secret and that is likely all you will ever be. Then tossed to the side like trash when he’s done. Ladies please wake up and evaluate the situation that you are in.


Now let’s venture into the world of abuse and why we stay. In physical abuse I know a lot of women stay out of fear. Fear that they may be killed if they try to leave or fear that they can’t make it on their own. Maybe the man is the bread winner and there are children involved. Leaving the abuser is very hard to do. Some people think it is such an easy thing to do but it’s not. So please stop judging these women until you have walked in their shoes. What I will say is this when you see the signs early on run and don’t look back. You can’t change him to be the man that you want him to be. Only he has the capability to change by his will to want to change. But you can change your circumstances by realizing that you are worth more than being down graded. 


So the bottom line is when you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see a woman who is worth more than rubies? The Bible said, “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” Proverbs 31:10. God saw us as something valuable so why can’t see ourselves the same way? Maybe we need to try and see ourselves as God sees us then maybe we will have more respect for self. Learn to love you before you try to love another. When you can love self you find that your standards will begin to change. I will end with a suggestion which is study Proverbs 31.