Do you see that little girl looking out the window at the world? What is she thinking as she stares at the trees moving in the wind? Why is her eyes full of water? Is she okay or is she dying on the inside? From the outside shes looks to be about 8 or 9. But in truth she is a grown woman full of pain and anger. Shes looking out trying to figure out where things went so wrong in her life. How so many could claim to love her but continue to hurt her so. Was there something wrong with her? Absolutely not but that was a thought that haunted her all of the time. See we can look in at the life of others and think that life is great. But we really don’t know what is going on in the mind and heart of another. So we need to stop being so consumed with things that really shouldn’t matter and start opening our eyes to whats right in front of us. So many people are suffering from depression and thinking of taking their own lives. So when you see that fake smile on a persons face ask God to show the hurt hidden in their heart. What a difference you could make in the life of another if we could stop being so selfish with our time.
Yes, I understand that we all go through something but what I have learned is that when I’m going through there is another who is suffering worse than me. Everything that we endure in life is for the benefit of another. When will we stop being ashamed to tell our story raw and uncut? Granted there are some things that you may not want to share and I believe you should be guided on what to share. As for me I was purposed to share my story and not the story of another. A story that tried to break my very spirit but God would not allow my spirit to die! He has given me strength in my weakest moments. He has loved me when I couldn’t stomach loving myself. He has guided me when I lost direction. He has protected me when I placed myself in danger. See one thing we must understand that God is almighty but the choices that we make will have a negative or positive outcome. Then there will be things that happen to us that we have no control over those things you have to turn around in order to free someone else from the prison they live in. I have never claimed to know it all and there are things that I am still walking through but I do know that God didn’t spare my life for me to waste it feeling sorry for my suffering!! What will you do with your suffering?? Will you let it imprison you or will you set yourself free?
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking up our driveway, it was in the evening time somewhat dark outside. As, I was walking I saw this man he came from the side of the house. He got close to me told me he had been watching me and I didn’t even know it. Before I knew it he grabbed me covered my mouth and dragged me back to this shed we had. I tried my best to fight him off. He told me, if I scream he would kill me. I was in the fifth grade so of course I was scared and believed him. After it was over I had to get myself together, walk into my house as though nothing happened. I never said anything about the incident for along time, when I finally did it was too late. Meaning no one believed me.
This damaged me beyond what felt like could be repaired. I really didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me. My life from there just become a roller-coaster ride. It changed me in more ways than one, but most importantly it shaped me in a bad way . I became depressed wanting to kill myself, even tried to on more than one occasion. This made me angry causing me to deal by holding everything inside.
I am now about to be 32 years old and this still hurts me to this day. I found it difficult to trust at one point in my life I even turned to women. I didn’t trust men when I would meet them I would sleep with them, because I was scared to say NO. Because saying No meant the possibility of them just taking it from me. I still don’t allow people to get close to me because of the fear of getting hurt. I have even damaged some relationships which I’m not proud of because of the hurt that I was feeling . I’m very guarded causing me to build this wall which has an affect on my relationships today. I was told that I have BPD which is a mental illness .
However, I believe God and as I go through this process called Life this is one of the things that God has to heal me from. As a child I never dealt with this I just tried to covered it up in the hopes of blocking it out. Listen that never works!! One thing that I have learned is that you can’t fix won’t you won’t face.
This story was shared by someone who wanted to remain anonymous. I would like to take the time to thank them for allowing me to share their story with others.
As a young girl I hated my life to the point I wanted a new family. The misery I felt I knew this was not what everybody else felt within their family. All my friends had moms who were involved in their life 24/7 in a positive way. My mom was phenomenal as far as I wanted to believe, but she was an alcoholic who at times made everyone feel the raft when sobriety kicked in. The way my mom yelled and cursed at my siblings and I 16 years of my life played a huge role in how I almost 10 years later parent my daughter. She’s the apple of my eye, and even though my mom has been deceased for nearly a decade her ways are not what I want to utilize when it comes to disciplining my child. When my mom was angry she made sure we knew and felt every ounce of anger she had. This in return made me angry as a child. Which prompted no result other than me being angry while she was angry and led to me becoming rebellious and abused both mentally, physically, and emotionally. Now, as an adult, I promised myself, my spouse, and more importantly my daughter to never become my mom, as a mom. So far so good, but there are days I catch myself being my mom and I have to remind myself that yelling at my daughter when she does things I don’t like will force her to believe it’s OK to be angry when someone does something she don’t like.. like my mother.. My mom lacked patience, and at almost 26, so do I. Working with being patient with my daughter when she act out has showed me she responds better when I inform her on ways to deal with things. This process is long and hard but I know the generational curse will soon be diminished. Hurt people, hurt people and I refuse to allow pain to dictate how much joy and happiness I can obtain in my life.. Because I am a better person from my childhood situation I have hopes that I’ll become a better mom. My life shaped my vision on what I want my daughter to endure because I wasn’t given the opportunity of positivity in my life, so I vowed to be the positivity I yearned for as a kid… but for my child..
Thank You Amina Kali Okafor for sharing this with us.
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First let me define domestic violence as violent or aggressive behavior within the home typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. In the wake of the murder of the young lady and her 3 children in my surrounding area I felt the need to write on this subject. As I have read many comments on Facebook some heart touching while others were heart breaking.
Many times people respond in a negative way because this is a life that they have never lived. Even when you are a witness to it you still may never understand how hard it is to leave. I read comments saying “why didn’t she just leave?” I have seen comments that said, “I would never allow a person to abuse me.” You get the picture of where I am going with this. There are many factors to these types of relationships. Many of you may not understand it but please stop making victims feel stupid when they are already being demeaned on a daily basis. Control is the key to domestic violence. Usually a person has already lost control of their lives long before the physical abuse even starts.
Fear-an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. (Verb) be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. With that being said fear is the main reason many stay. People may think it’s because they are so in love…No that is not it. Fear of being homeless, losing your children or your life and not feeling worthy to be loved. This is a hard spot to be in and when people make you feel stupid for being there it’s even harder to leave. Think of it this way when you make that person feel demeaned you are no better than the abuser…yeah I said it! Because I’m sure that many of you never saw it that way. The verbal and emotional abuse from their spouse has already beat them down so why would you want to beat them down any more?
Take the time to educate yourself on this issue. Make an effort to volunteer at your local shelter or at an event that supports domestic violence awareness. And if you know a person is living this life please just make yourself aware of information that you can pass on to them in order to help. Find out what you can do to help by calling your local shelter or the National Hotline. Here is the number to The National Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) OR 1-800-787-3224(TTY).
What would make a woman be proud to be the other woman? Does this title not come with some form of shame? Has social media glamorized this title to the point that we just turn a blind eye to the issue? These are some of things that crossed my mind when I saw this photo. Now please understand that I am not here to judge because I have been on both sides of the fence. But with age and experience I have learned that my value is worth more than playing second best to anyone.
Many try to make it seem as if they are okay with this role but please be truthful with yourself. If you were really okay with it you would not have to broadcast it in the hopes that the other woman figures you out. Also, if I act like this is cool I can mask the fact that I really want more from this man that is married to someone else. See honestly what they really want is to be the main woman in his life. But ask yourself this question “How often does the side become the main?” Unfortunately these reality shows are giving women false hope. Love And Hip Hop has made it seem that the new normal is that he will marry the side piece. But look how miserable they look on these shows. Every episode they are crying or fighting over this man. Is it worth losing yourself just to say you have a man?
Now my other questions are why is this good enough for you? Is that you don’t really want to be in a committed relationship because you fear being hurt? Do you lose your value along the way because of something from your past? Was this something that was the norm in your family? As I talk with other women these are some of the questions that they want answers to. Have you ever thought is this how you would want your daughter to be treated? Many times as the side chick we think of none other than self. Honestly there are usually children involved in these situations and how this will infect them never crosses anyone’s mind. And yes, I said infect because this becomes like an infectious disease. Causes many to be hurt in the end.
There are so many areas that we could cover talking about this subject but I don’t really have that much time. I will come back next week and speak on self-worth. As it pertains to this subject I feel it plays a large role in what we allow as women. My prayer is that many will see and understand that they are worth more than getting scraps here and there when they are available. That they will see that they to should be afforded the luxury of eating at the table like a human being. At some point we must come of the clearance rack and get in the glass case where the valuables are stored!!
I wrote a blog once about my up and down battle with depression and I was real, honest and raw about it all. See when you are sharing your story be real with others about what you have been through. Your realness will open a gate for others to be real with themselves about where they are. Some of you may not be comfortable with sharing your story and that’s okay. But I am in a place of comfort and I share what God leads me to share. I have heard some say you tell to much of your business. Well because of it I have had others reach out to me and want to know how God brought me out. That alone is enough for me to continue to share and be real about my life. Will there be people that will try to hold my past against me? Absolutely, and I am truly okay with that. The reason I am okay with that is because they can’t share anything about me that I haven’t already shared with the world.
My honesty about me has given me the opportunity to help others. When I log into Facebook and have messages from people who want to talk to me I know that I’m doing what God purposed me to do. I feel like when God has delivered us from something don’t act as if that thing never happened. Don’t walk around like life has always been perfect and you have never had any wrong in your past. Please people take the mask off and let others know that if God delivered you He will do the same for them. Your story could mean life or death for someone else. There is a person out there just waiting for you to be transparent with them about your testimony. So am I willing to take the backlash from the “Holy High Rollers” yes I am if it will help one person.
I realized some time ago that God did not call me to be confined to the 4 walls of the church. I knew that I was going to be to raw for some people. Some may say you keep it to real but I say I’m just being transparent. The things that have happened in my life is the reality for many right now so why not talk about it? Just think about it this way if someone had been transparent with you what difference would that have made in your life? And don’t be so quick to look at another and think that they are beneath you because of where they are right now. They are still human and we are to love them as Christ loves us. Watch your words to them and how you react to them. Just because they are not where you are doesn’t mean that you get to treat them with disrespect. If you only knew how many times I have heard ” I have been mistreated by those in the church” and that hurts me to my heart. When a person is sick, in an accident or dying they go to the hospital for help to get better. Well when people are hurt, broken, depressed, addicted and lost they should be able to come to the church for healing not for “church hurt”.
So I will leave you with this your transparency will help another come out of where they are!
I had no idea at the time that I was suffering from depression or what it even was. I lost my father at the age of 6 and my life was changed forever. I remember wanting to be like other kids with a mother and father in the home with me. As I was getting older I longed to have a father in my life. I missed it so badly that at times my body was in physical pain. Do you know what it’s like to want something so bad that it hurts? Really all I wanted was for someone or something to fill this void in my heart.
All in middle school and high school I had episodes where all I wanted was to be alone. These episodes would happen from time to time but I just thought I was going through some type of change. There were times when I was happy well at least what appeared to be me being happy. Writing was my way of coping with life. I use to lose myself in my short stories. Then I began to journal as a way to deal with the thoughts in my head. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotions and no one was there to save me. I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on inside of me because I was afraid that people would think I was crazy. Rage at some point had taken over a big chunk of my life and I didn’t even know that it was happening.
After I gave birth to my son and he died I went into another state of depression. I was angry at God and the world. How could He take my son? Was I such a horrible person that my son had to be punished? I didn’t want to live anymore. I slept all of time and I was barely eating. Not taking a thought to the fact that I had a living child that I needed to care for. This was the first time that I sought help for what was killing me on the inside. Now begins my journey to recovery so I thought. Did I know it would be a 20+ yrs. road to recovery? Of course I had no idea!
There was a point in my life in 2007 when depression took me on the path to suicidal thoughts. I truly wanted to just die. I was feeling worthless and wondering what my purpose in this life was. I struggled as a single parent and at times things were overwhelming for me. I had a lot of past trauma that I was still trying to overcome. I recall one day when I had planned out how I would end my life. I knew that my grandmother and my mother would take care of my children, so I wasn’t worried about them. There was one person who always knew when I was fighting that demon called depression, my sister-in-law. I remember she confronted me about how I was acting and of course I denied where I was emotionally. She forced me to go to the doctor to get help and I did. The turning point was her showing me how I would destroy my girls if I did not get help.
If you have a love one suffering from depression please do not look the other way or act as if it’s not a problem. Some people don’t even know they are suffering from depression this is why it is important to know the signs. If you feel a love one may be dealing with depression talk with them it just may save their life.
The question that I have to ask is “Why is sexual/physical abuse still taboo in families?” The reason I ask this is because some families still don’t want to address this problem. Is it because they don’t want others looking at their family differently or they just don’t want to believe that it happened? You have some families where this is a generational thing meaning it is a cycle. How can the cycle be broken if the problem is never talked about? Now is the time to make a difference and break the cycle!!!!
So let us first look at sexual abuse. There are so many victims /survivors of sexual abuse. This is not something that just happens to girls but many boys are victims as well. People need to be aware of this fact and not look at it as a one sided problem. We need to be talking to our children and letting them know they can come to us with anything. Have the discussion with your children about sexual abuse. So many people think this could never happen in my family well that is their first mistake. It can happen in any family and awareness is the key. The main thing is that we need to make sure that the child understands that IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT! There are adults who are walking around still blaming themselves for what happened to them as children. This offense is something that a child carries with them into adulthood. Some find it hard to trust others with their own children. It haunts them in their sleep. Sexual abuse causes some to fall into a state of depression. We have to stop sweeping this issue under the rug and face it head on. This has to be done so that others can be SET FREE from this bondage.
How many of you have seen your mother be abused and end up in the same type of relationship? Physical abuse is such a vicious cycle whether you are the abuser or the one being abused. There are so many red flags that we sometimes ignore before it ever gets to the point of turning physical. I sometimes hear women say they stay because of financial reasons, fear, afraid of being alone or because they love them. I have heard men say they stay because of the stigma behind being a battered man. There is nothing that a person can say or do that warrants another to beat their spouse. Also, the verbal abuse is just as devastating as the physical. When a person hears something over and over again they begin to believe the awful things that are being said about them. Words cut you deep just like taking a knife and making a wound. You have to know that there are places out here that can help if you are a victim of abuse. If there is a chance that you can make it out alive please take it. There are many who lose their lives due to Domestic Violence. Don’t allow yourself to be just another statistic.
Abuse can leave more than just physical scars. There are emotional scars that run so deep a person may feel like they will never be able to move forward. Well I am here to tell you that it is possible to have a very product life after abuse. Sometimes in life there will be things that will trigger that painful moment but it is how you respond that will determine if you have healed or not. Don’t allow the pain, anger, bitterness, fear or shame to hold you hostage. Below will be a list of resources that you can use.
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE(4673)
National Sexual Violence Resource 1-877-739-3895
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)