I often look back over my life and think about the many different things that have occurred. A few years ago I had to take a look at my relationships and why they didn’t work. See before I was quick to put the blame on others. There was always something about the other person that I couldn’t live with. Maybe it was me trying to find something wrong with them in order for me to walk away. But you can best believe it was never about me. Sometimes we try to walk around like we are flawless but we both know that is a lie. We are human so we all have flaws some are more evident than others.
So here I am taking the time to examine myself. First let my say this to admit that maybe just maybe I was the problem was HARD. But when I sat down I realized that I was the common denominator in every equation. Could I really be the problem? And what is it about me that was causing the problem? Now I have to go back and take a real look at how I truly view relationships. The honest truth was I don’t think I ever saw a healthy relationship in my life. Even the ones that looked healthy on the outside were dysfunctional in some way. Just because people stayed married does not mean they were a living example of what marriage was to be. And many times I thought to myself if this is the example of what marriage looks like I can do without it. I had programmed my mind from an early age that I didn’t need to be married because there was nothing good about it. So, why bother?
Now that brings me to why the relationships didn’t work. Well anytime it looked as if I was close to marriage I would sabotage things. Commitment was scary for me. My sister in law would often ask me if I had my running shoes on. At first I just took it as a joke but then I realized that she a valid point. I was a runner!! I also think that in that programming came with hearing the women in my family saying that we were cursed to be alone. You hear something enough you begin to believe the very thing you hear. What I have learned is that I had to reprogram the way I thought. Not just about marriage but men in general. I had to stop looking at things in the negative light and focus on what was positive. That marriage is a beautiful thing when you have the right man in your life. That marriage is work and you get out of it what you put in it. That I am NOT cursed to spend the rest of my life alone. So, now I am in a place where I look forward to one day being married to the man who is just for me. The man that will love and support me flaws and all while I do the same for him.
The moral here is that it is important to always examine yourself. Examine your mindset when it comes to relationships and that means all relationships. Are you being the very thing that you want others to be to you? Because we sometimes put standards on others and yet we are not living up to those same standards. Never look for something from another that you yourself are not willing to give to them.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking up our driveway, it was in the evening time somewhat dark outside. As, I was walking I saw this man he came from the side of the house. He got close to me told me he had been watching me and I didn’t even know it. Before I knew it he grabbed me covered my mouth and dragged me back to this shed we had. I tried my best to fight him off. He told me, if I scream he would kill me. I was in the fifth grade so of course I was scared and believed him. After it was over I had to get myself together, walk into my house as though nothing happened. I never said anything about the incident for along time, when I finally did it was too late. Meaning no one believed me.
This damaged me beyond what felt like could be repaired. I really didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me. My life from there just become a roller-coaster ride. It changed me in more ways than one, but most importantly it shaped me in a bad way . I became depressed wanting to kill myself, even tried to on more than one occasion. This made me angry causing me to deal by holding everything inside.
I am now about to be 32 years old and this still hurts me to this day. I found it difficult to trust at one point in my life I even turned to women. I didn’t trust men when I would meet them I would sleep with them, because I was scared to say NO. Because saying No meant the possibility of them just taking it from me. I still don’t allow people to get close to me because of the fear of getting hurt. I have even damaged some relationships which I’m not proud of because of the hurt that I was feeling . I’m very guarded causing me to build this wall which has an affect on my relationships today. I was told that I have BPD which is a mental illness .
However, I believe God and as I go through this process called Life this is one of the things that God has to heal me from. As a child I never dealt with this I just tried to covered it up in the hopes of blocking it out. Listen that never works!! One thing that I have learned is that you can’t fix won’t you won’t face.
This story was shared by someone who wanted to remain anonymous. I would like to take the time to thank them for allowing me to share their story with others.
As a young girl I hated my life to the point I wanted a new family. The misery I felt I knew this was not what everybody else felt within their family. All my friends had moms who were involved in their life 24/7 in a positive way. My mom was phenomenal as far as I wanted to believe, but she was an alcoholic who at times made everyone feel the raft when sobriety kicked in. The way my mom yelled and cursed at my siblings and I 16 years of my life played a huge role in how I almost 10 years later parent my daughter. She’s the apple of my eye, and even though my mom has been deceased for nearly a decade her ways are not what I want to utilize when it comes to disciplining my child. When my mom was angry she made sure we knew and felt every ounce of anger she had. This in return made me angry as a child. Which prompted no result other than me being angry while she was angry and led to me becoming rebellious and abused both mentally, physically, and emotionally. Now, as an adult, I promised myself, my spouse, and more importantly my daughter to never become my mom, as a mom. So far so good, but there are days I catch myself being my mom and I have to remind myself that yelling at my daughter when she does things I don’t like will force her to believe it’s OK to be angry when someone does something she don’t like.. like my mother.. My mom lacked patience, and at almost 26, so do I. Working with being patient with my daughter when she act out has showed me she responds better when I inform her on ways to deal with things. This process is long and hard but I know the generational curse will soon be diminished. Hurt people, hurt people and I refuse to allow pain to dictate how much joy and happiness I can obtain in my life.. Because I am a better person from my childhood situation I have hopes that I’ll become a better mom. My life shaped my vision on what I want my daughter to endure because I wasn’t given the opportunity of positivity in my life, so I vowed to be the positivity I yearned for as a kid… but for my child..
Thank You Amina Kali Okafor for sharing this with us.
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Do you really now who you are? Well I thought I knew who I was or should I say who people made me out to be. I was always looked upon as a lot of different things, all but a child of God! Then I began to see myself as others saw me. But when God looked at me He saw something so different. He saw a treasure! And now that I have Christ in my life I see that same treasure. Maybe not as clearly as God does but I now know it’s there. See people will always see what they want to see when they look @ you. But I had to stop worrying about others and say what does God see? And He does not see what others see. Letting Christ in was the best thing I could have ever done. He had a lot of things to heal inside of me. The things I had allowed to enter in from outside and some inside sources. There were words of death that were spoken over my life. And now I speak life over me and my family. God has started to opened doors for me that many will wonder how that happened. Well God did it! And I’m thankful. Never allow the enemy to have free reign over your life! You have the power and authority to speak blessings into your life. We have to stop giving the enemy so much power! I am everything that God says I am! And I stand on the promises of God. You do not have to listen to what others think of you. When people say you are not worthy and you are no good know that you are so much more! Look to God to confirm who you are and what your purpose in life is.
One day as I was strolling through instagram I see a photo that reads ” Your God-fearing Facebook updates do not cause me to forget the godless whore you were in high school!”
The minute that I read that statement I thought to myself God why can’t people leave the past where it is in the past? Then the laughter came because I thought well this is how some people view me. Oh how grateful I am that God doesn’t view me like people view me.
Then the Lord begin to show me that most people that continue to live in your past are there because they are stuck in their own past. Still holding on to grudges for things that happened to them 10 to 20 years ago. Still angry and bitter and can’t forgive those that hurt them. Then my laughter turned to sadness for those people. It truly has to be a miserable life when you can’t let go of the past. Well I know first hand how miserable that can be. I allowed what others said about me to keep me stuck looking at my past until one day God gave me a glimpse of my future. And oh what a future it is! One that will Glorify Him until the day I leave this earth. Understand this what God has purposed you for your past WILL NOT keep you from it unless you allow it to!!!! Don’t allow what people think of you to keep you from what God has called you to do. See those people have to seek God to heal those broken places so they no longer continue to be a vessel for the enemy! Keep your eye on what God has purposed you for.
I leave you with this…” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
Have we as women become so desperate for companionship that we settle for being someone else dirty little secret?? Or are we okay with settling for someone who is abusive either verbally or physically…maybe both? So what is causing us to lower who we are just to have a man in our lives? Is it loneliness, low self-esteem or are we looking for a void to be filled? And when do we realize that we are worth so much more then this crap that we settle for. Is giving your body away worth losing your soul to an illusion of what you call a relationship? These are things that I was thinking about as I sit here looking out my window. When I think about where I was and where God has brought me to my heart aches for women. Will some of you ever see your true worth?
Let me start with the dirty little secret. Why would we want to settle for that? And do you even realize that this is what you are? Sometimes as women we are so blinded by what we think is love that we fail to realize that all we are is a secret. God wants you to be a great thing that a man finds. If a man is constantly choosing another woman over you then he doesn’t really want you. Now he wants everything you’re giving him. Which is all of you without any commitment. Does a man truly love you when you give all of you and you can’t even meet his family? The answer is no what you are is a secret and that is likely all you will ever be. Then tossed to the side like trash when he’s done. Ladies please wake up and evaluate the situation that you are in.
Now let’s venture into the world of abuse and why we stay. In physical abuse I know a lot of women stay out of fear. Fear that they may be killed if they try to leave or fear that they can’t make it on their own. Maybe the man is the bread winner and there are children involved. Leaving the abuser is very hard to do. Some people think it is such an easy thing to do but it’s not. So please stop judging these women until you have walked in their shoes. What I will say is this when you see the signs early on run and don’t look back. You can’t change him to be the man that you want him to be. Only he has the capability to change by his will to want to change. But you can change your circumstances by realizing that you are worth more than being down graded.
So the bottom line is when you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see a woman who is worth more than rubies? The Bible said, “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” Proverbs 31:10. God saw us as something valuable so why can’t see ourselves the same way? Maybe we need to try and see ourselves as God sees us then maybe we will have more respect for self. Learn to love you before you try to love another. When you can love self you find that your standards will begin to change. I will end with a suggestion which is study Proverbs 31.