I often look back over my life and think about the many different things that have occurred. A few years ago I had to take a look at my relationships and why they didn’t work. See before I was quick to put the blame on others. There was always something about the other person that I couldn’t live with. Maybe it was me trying to find something wrong with them in order for me to walk away. But you can best believe it was never about me. Sometimes we try to walk around like we are flawless but we both know that is a lie. We are human so we all have flaws some are more evident than others.
So here I am taking the time to examine myself. First let my say this to admit that maybe just maybe I was the problem was HARD. But when I sat down I realized that I was the common denominator in every equation. Could I really be the problem? And what is it about me that was causing the problem? Now I have to go back and take a real look at how I truly view relationships. The honest truth was I don’t think I ever saw a healthy relationship in my life. Even the ones that looked healthy on the outside were dysfunctional in some way. Just because people stayed married does not mean they were a living example of what marriage was to be. And many times I thought to myself if this is the example of what marriage looks like I can do without it. I had programmed my mind from an early age that I didn’t need to be married because there was nothing good about it. So, why bother?
Now that brings me to why the relationships didn’t work. Well anytime it looked as if I was close to marriage I would sabotage things. Commitment was scary for me. My sister in law would often ask me if I had my running shoes on. At first I just took it as a joke but then I realized that she a valid point. I was a runner!! I also think that in that programming came with hearing the women in my family saying that we were cursed to be alone. You hear something enough you begin to believe the very thing you hear. What I have learned is that I had to reprogram the way I thought. Not just about marriage but men in general. I had to stop looking at things in the negative light and focus on what was positive. That marriage is a beautiful thing when you have the right man in your life. That marriage is work and you get out of it what you put in it. That I am NOT cursed to spend the rest of my life alone. So, now I am in a place where I look forward to one day being married to the man who is just for me. The man that will love and support me flaws and all while I do the same for him.
The moral here is that it is important to always examine yourself. Examine your mindset when it comes to relationships and that means all relationships. Are you being the very thing that you want others to be to you? Because we sometimes put standards on others and yet we are not living up to those same standards. Never look for something from another that you yourself are not willing to give to them.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking up our driveway, it was in the evening time somewhat dark outside. As, I was walking I saw this man he came from the side of the house. He got close to me told me he had been watching me and I didn’t even know it. Before I knew it he grabbed me covered my mouth and dragged me back to this shed we had. I tried my best to fight him off. He told me, if I scream he would kill me. I was in the fifth grade so of course I was scared and believed him. After it was over I had to get myself together, walk into my house as though nothing happened. I never said anything about the incident for along time, when I finally did it was too late. Meaning no one believed me.
This damaged me beyond what felt like could be repaired. I really didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me. My life from there just become a roller-coaster ride. It changed me in more ways than one, but most importantly it shaped me in a bad way . I became depressed wanting to kill myself, even tried to on more than one occasion. This made me angry causing me to deal by holding everything inside.
I am now about to be 32 years old and this still hurts me to this day. I found it difficult to trust at one point in my life I even turned to women. I didn’t trust men when I would meet them I would sleep with them, because I was scared to say NO. Because saying No meant the possibility of them just taking it from me. I still don’t allow people to get close to me because of the fear of getting hurt. I have even damaged some relationships which I’m not proud of because of the hurt that I was feeling . I’m very guarded causing me to build this wall which has an affect on my relationships today. I was told that I have BPD which is a mental illness .
However, I believe God and as I go through this process called Life this is one of the things that God has to heal me from. As a child I never dealt with this I just tried to covered it up in the hopes of blocking it out. Listen that never works!! One thing that I have learned is that you can’t fix won’t you won’t face.
This story was shared by someone who wanted to remain anonymous. I would like to take the time to thank them for allowing me to share their story with others.
As a young girl I hated my life to the point I wanted a new family. The misery I felt I knew this was not what everybody else felt within their family. All my friends had moms who were involved in their life 24/7 in a positive way. My mom was phenomenal as far as I wanted to believe, but she was an alcoholic who at times made everyone feel the raft when sobriety kicked in. The way my mom yelled and cursed at my siblings and I 16 years of my life played a huge role in how I almost 10 years later parent my daughter. She’s the apple of my eye, and even though my mom has been deceased for nearly a decade her ways are not what I want to utilize when it comes to disciplining my child. When my mom was angry she made sure we knew and felt every ounce of anger she had. This in return made me angry as a child. Which prompted no result other than me being angry while she was angry and led to me becoming rebellious and abused both mentally, physically, and emotionally. Now, as an adult, I promised myself, my spouse, and more importantly my daughter to never become my mom, as a mom. So far so good, but there are days I catch myself being my mom and I have to remind myself that yelling at my daughter when she does things I don’t like will force her to believe it’s OK to be angry when someone does something she don’t like.. like my mother.. My mom lacked patience, and at almost 26, so do I. Working with being patient with my daughter when she act out has showed me she responds better when I inform her on ways to deal with things. This process is long and hard but I know the generational curse will soon be diminished. Hurt people, hurt people and I refuse to allow pain to dictate how much joy and happiness I can obtain in my life.. Because I am a better person from my childhood situation I have hopes that I’ll become a better mom. My life shaped my vision on what I want my daughter to endure because I wasn’t given the opportunity of positivity in my life, so I vowed to be the positivity I yearned for as a kid… but for my child..
Thank You Amina Kali Okafor for sharing this with us.
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This morning I was watching I Love Lucy as I do every morning. Today was just a little different. I have watched this show for many years and the revelation I received this morning I never noticed before. Many times we watch shows and laugh at the shenanigans that go on never really seeing the true message. Well, today I received it loud and clear.
Lucy is always coming up with some type of scheme on the show. And usually they never work out the way she intends for them to. But what I noticed today was how every time Ricky has to do a show with another woman she goes overboard. Now on the show Ricky has never done anything to make her think he is cheating yet she always goes bananas when another woman comes around. The question that I asked myself was “Is this her being insecure about herself or is it something Ricky did?” Then I began to think about other episodes that I watched where she was always trying to change the way she looked because she didn’t feel like she lived up to a certain image. Or every time a woman from Ricky’s country came around she would compare herself to them.
Now let me jump over into the real world. How many times have you accused a man of something based off of what another man did to you? The reason it is so easy for us to do this because we have not dealt with how that betrayal made us feel. Now we are insecure thinking that there was something wrong with us that made him betray our trust. You find yourself comparing the way you look to the other woman/women. Or every time a woman is around your mate you find yourself giving him the side eye because you think he’s looking at her. Let me say this women if you have not dealt with your past hurt and healed from it stay single until you do. Truth be told that if you get a good man you wouldn’t be able to tell because your insecurities will drive him away. Then you will be with your girlfriends talking about how you knew he was sorry and all the while you are the problem. Now is the time to take a minute to examine where you are with yourself. Take responsibility and let us stop blaming every man because we are insecure. There are still good men out here in this world and if you don’t be honest about your insecurities you may just pass him right on by or should I say run him away!!!
First let me define domestic violence as violent or aggressive behavior within the home typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. In the wake of the murder of the young lady and her 3 children in my surrounding area I felt the need to write on this subject. As I have read many comments on Facebook some heart touching while others were heart breaking.
Many times people respond in a negative way because this is a life that they have never lived. Even when you are a witness to it you still may never understand how hard it is to leave. I read comments saying “why didn’t she just leave?” I have seen comments that said, “I would never allow a person to abuse me.” You get the picture of where I am going with this. There are many factors to these types of relationships. Many of you may not understand it but please stop making victims feel stupid when they are already being demeaned on a daily basis. Control is the key to domestic violence. Usually a person has already lost control of their lives long before the physical abuse even starts.
Fear-an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. (Verb) be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. With that being said fear is the main reason many stay. People may think it’s because they are so in love…No that is not it. Fear of being homeless, losing your children or your life and not feeling worthy to be loved. This is a hard spot to be in and when people make you feel stupid for being there it’s even harder to leave. Think of it this way when you make that person feel demeaned you are no better than the abuser…yeah I said it! Because I’m sure that many of you never saw it that way. The verbal and emotional abuse from their spouse has already beat them down so why would you want to beat them down any more?
Take the time to educate yourself on this issue. Make an effort to volunteer at your local shelter or at an event that supports domestic violence awareness. And if you know a person is living this life please just make yourself aware of information that you can pass on to them in order to help. Find out what you can do to help by calling your local shelter or the National Hotline. Here is the number to The National Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) OR 1-800-787-3224(TTY).
What would make a woman be proud to be the other woman? Does this title not come with some form of shame? Has social media glamorized this title to the point that we just turn a blind eye to the issue? These are some of things that crossed my mind when I saw this photo. Now please understand that I am not here to judge because I have been on both sides of the fence. But with age and experience I have learned that my value is worth more than playing second best to anyone.
Many try to make it seem as if they are okay with this role but please be truthful with yourself. If you were really okay with it you would not have to broadcast it in the hopes that the other woman figures you out. Also, if I act like this is cool I can mask the fact that I really want more from this man that is married to someone else. See honestly what they really want is to be the main woman in his life. But ask yourself this question “How often does the side become the main?” Unfortunately these reality shows are giving women false hope. Love And Hip Hop has made it seem that the new normal is that he will marry the side piece. But look how miserable they look on these shows. Every episode they are crying or fighting over this man. Is it worth losing yourself just to say you have a man?
Now my other questions are why is this good enough for you? Is that you don’t really want to be in a committed relationship because you fear being hurt? Do you lose your value along the way because of something from your past? Was this something that was the norm in your family? As I talk with other women these are some of the questions that they want answers to. Have you ever thought is this how you would want your daughter to be treated? Many times as the side chick we think of none other than self. Honestly there are usually children involved in these situations and how this will infect them never crosses anyone’s mind. And yes, I said infect because this becomes like an infectious disease. Causes many to be hurt in the end.
There are so many areas that we could cover talking about this subject but I don’t really have that much time. I will come back next week and speak on self-worth. As it pertains to this subject I feel it plays a large role in what we allow as women. My prayer is that many will see and understand that they are worth more than getting scraps here and there when they are available. That they will see that they to should be afforded the luxury of eating at the table like a human being. At some point we must come of the clearance rack and get in the glass case where the valuables are stored!!
I often sit and listen to others talk about their relationships and wonder do they really hear what they are saying. Most of the time I don’t say anything because I love observing others. And I do understand people wanting to keep their relationship private in hopes to getting to know each other without the input of outside forces. Many times we allow the opinion of others to cloud our judgement when it comes to relationships. Or we have people volunteering information that you didn’t even ask for. So therefore you don’t want to share the fact that you are dating with the people that you love. Keeping things private for a while is not a bad thing. Now on the other hand keeping it a secret is something totally different. So let me jump right in.
Private means affecting or involving only a particular person or group of people. See most of the time when people decide to keep things private only maybe a best friend knows about the relationship. They make a decision not to involve everyone in the family on their new adventure. Maybe they realize that having everyone involved can cause things to go south before they even start. This comes with knowing the people in your life. We all know that when you first start dating sometimes people want to give you the run down on that person. What they have heard from others and maybe a rundown of that person’s past. They do this without ever giving you a chance to see if this is someone you even really want to entertain. So being private is not a bad thing.
Secret means not known or seen or meant to be known or seen by others. The moment you become the person that is only seen late at night and no one knows that you are even in the picture there is a problem. When someone is begging you to be quiet about the fact that you’re involved that is a red flag. Why do you have to be a secret?? That’s the question you should be asking. This person denies you anytime someone asks if the two of you are involved. There are usually only 2 reasons someone would keep you secret they have a mate already or they are ashamed. Never allow anyone to treat like you’re not worthy of being loved.
Don’t ever be confused about what is private and what is secret. Because nothing good ever comes out of a secret. If you allow yourself to remain a secret prepare yourself for hurt to follow. No man or woman that truly cares for you would want to keep you a dirty little secret. Know that you are worth more that being a secret.
I was a good woman to you. I loved you and gave you in and everything you ever asked for or needed. I was there by your side when others turned their back on you. I stayed with you when others thought I should just walk away. You were my heart my soul-mate so I thought. When we were apart all I looked forward to was seeing your face. Waking up to you meant the world to me. And closing my eyes next to you gave me comfort as I slept. In all of that time I never thought we would end up like this.
Never did I deserve what you’re giving me now. Why would you put your hands on me? What did I do to you for you to think this was OK? Was I not good enough for you? I thought I was a good woman to you. Was I not pretty enough for you? Did I gain to much weight? Why are you yelling at me? I cleaned the house like you like. I want to go over to my friends house but you won’t let me. Why would you call me a slut and a whore? I’m no good…is that what you think of me? After all I have done for you. Please don’t make me sleep with you, but I’m not in the mood tonight! I know that you love me. So why do you hit me? I’m not a punching bag. I’m a person with real feelings. And your action are stripping me of who I am. I feel ashamed as if I asked for this. God why is this happening to me? I cry myself to sleep at night trying to figure out where things went wrong.
These are the words of victim of abuse. Who fell in love with a man who she thought was her soulmate. He showed her so much love in the beginning. The kind of love that she thought she was missing in her life. At first she brushed the red flags off because all she wanted was to be loved. Maybe he will change if I just stick by his side. There are so many different reasons women stay that others will never understand unless they have lived this horrid life.
But at some point you have to be willing to let go and reclaim your life. I know that letting go isn’t easy but feeling safe should be. And if your living in fear then your not living. Loving a person and being loved shouldn’t cause you mental or physical damage. Yes it will come with some ups and downs. But it should never cause you your life.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Love is Respect – the National Dating Abuse Helpline
Text “loveis” to 22522
For rape/sexual assault services, contact
RAINN—the Rape Abuse Incest National Network