Innocence Lost

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking up our driveway, it was in the evening time somewhat dark outside. As, I was walking I saw this man he came from the side of the house. He got close to me told me he had been watching me and I didn’t even know it. Before I knew it he grabbed me covered my mouth and dragged me back to this shed we had. I tried my best to fight him off. He told me, if I scream he would kill me. I was in the fifth grade so of course I was scared and believed him. After it was over I had to get myself together, walk into my house as though nothing happened. I never said anything about the incident for along time, when I finally did it was too late. Meaning no one believed me.

This damaged me beyond what felt like could be repaired. I really didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me. My life from there just become a roller-coaster ride. It changed me in more ways than one, but most importantly it shaped me in a bad way . I became depressed wanting to kill myself, even tried to on more than one occasion. This made me angry causing me to deal by holding everything inside.

I am now about to be 32 years old and this still hurts me to this day. I found it difficult to trust at one point in my life I even turned to women. I didn’t trust men when I would meet them I would sleep with them, because I was scared to say NO. Because saying No meant the possibility of them just taking it from me. I still don’t allow people to get close to me because of the fear of getting hurt. I have even damaged some relationships which I’m not proud of because of the hurt that I was feeling . I’m very guarded causing me to build this wall which has an affect on my relationships today. I was told that I have BPD which is a mental illness .

However, I believe God and as I go through this process called Life this is one of the things that God has to heal me from. As a child I never dealt with this I just tried to covered it up in the hopes of blocking it out. Listen that never works!! One thing that I have learned is that you can’t fix won’t you won’t face.

This story was shared by someone who wanted to remain anonymous. I would like to take the time to thank them for allowing me to share their story with others.

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Depression: A Peek In My Window

I had no idea at the time that I was suffering from depression or what it even was. I lost my father at the age of 6 and my life was changed forever. I remember wanting to be like other kids with a mother and father in the home with me. As I was getting older I longed to have a father in my life. I missed it so badly that at times my body was in physical pain. Do you know what it’s like to want something so bad that it hurts? Really all I wanted was for someone or something to fill this void in my heart.

All in middle school and high school I had episodes where all I wanted was to be alone. These episodes would happen from time to time but I just thought I was going through some type of change. There were times when I was happy well at least what appeared to be me being happy. Writing was my way of coping with life. I use to lose myself in my short stories. Then I began to journal as a way to deal with the thoughts in my head. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotions and no one was there to save me. I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on inside of me because I was afraid that people would think I was crazy. Rage at some point had taken over a big chunk of my life and I didn’t even know that it was happening.

After I gave birth to my son and he died I went into another state of depression. I was angry at God and the world. How could He take my son? Was I such a horrible person that my son had to be punished? I didn’t want to live anymore. I slept all of time and I was barely eating. Not taking a thought to the fact that I had a living child that I needed to care for. This was the first time that I sought help for what was killing me on the inside. Now begins my journey to recovery so I thought. Did I know it would be a 20+ yrs. road to recovery? Of course I had no idea!

There was a point in my life in 2007 when depression took me on the path to suicidal thoughts. I truly wanted to just die. I was feeling worthless and wondering what my purpose in this life was. I struggled as a single parent and at times things were overwhelming for me. I had a lot of past trauma that I was still trying to overcome. I recall one day when I had planned out how I would end my life. I knew that my grandmother and my mother would take care of my children, so I wasn’t worried about them. There was one person who always knew when I was fighting that demon called depression, my sister-in-law. I remember she confronted me about how I was acting and of course I denied where I was emotionally. She forced me to go to the doctor to get help and I did. The turning point was her showing me how I would destroy my girls if I did not get help.

If you have a love one suffering from depression please do not look the other way or act as if it’s not a problem. Some people don’t even know they are suffering from depression this is why it is important to know the signs. If you feel a love one may be dealing with depression talk with them it just may save their life.